Semi-Charmed Life

From Misery to Epiphany

Blindsided

This past weekend I was blindsided by a pang of depression which hit me pretty hard. I'm not normally the type to get depressed, and especially for no apparent reason. I attributed it to a number of things . . . I had a HORRIBLE day at work on Friday. Had a major screw up which cost my team several hours of extra work and also rolled over into Monday. Also looming over my head was my contract being up soon, throwing me back into the masses of the unemployed. And lastly, my parents have been hit with massive cuts in work hours which places a heavier burden on me and my brothers. Moreso me, because although my brothers are 23 they are still apathetic or perhaps willfully ignorant about our parents' financial situation. This last part bothers me a lot.

Trying to rationalize my sudden downward mood swing didn't do me any good though because I still felt like shit. At one point I was going to write some pity party blog entry but luckily I still had enough sense to realize that doing so would have been pathetic.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Mahatma Gandhi

On Tuesday night I met up with some people for dinner and on the car ride home, one friend was trying to give another friend advice on life because he was going through what I would say is a quarter-life crisis. I didn't really chime in because he was not exactly soliciting for advice, so I did not feel the need to try to assess and give my two cents. Besides, I was trying to work out my own issues.

In the middle of their conversation though, I had an epiphany and immediately thought of the Ghandi quote I posted above. A lot of times we know what we should do, but we never do it.

"I should have study tonight instead of going out."

"I should have drank less last night."

"I should be hitting the gym more often."

"I should be drinking less soda."

I think that everyone for the most part has an idea of what they should be doing. Everyone knows that the thing that they should do is the right thing to do, but a lot of times we find a reason to not do it, however lame that reason may be. These things that we should do but don't do range from minor to-do's, to major life decisions such as a career change because we're unhappy with what we're doing now.

These neglected things begin to pile up like dirty dishes, to the point where it becomes overwhelming. That's what I think was happening to me. I have all these things that I plan to do but never get around to doing it. And when I say "never get around to doing it," that's basically a euphemism for being a lazy sack of shit.

The reason it reminded me of the Ghandi quote because in essence, it's a disconnect between mind and body. You know you should be doing one thing, but you go ahead and do another. This contradiction between mind and body takes a toll on us.

So the real reason I fell into that slump was not because of the reasons I listed earlier. It was because I wasn't taking care of business. I'm not sure how or when exactly it was that I got sidetracked, but I resolved that night to re-focus myself on the things I know I should be doing, from the little things to the big things.

So the next time you feel like your room is messy and you know you should clean it, do it. Don't let things fester. Get it out of the way and you'll feel much better about yourself.

On a sidenote . . . this whole experience really gives credence in my mind to this article where they say that depression is an adaptation, not a malfunction. Give it a read. Interesting stuff.