Semi-Charmed Life

Training Woes

Brazilian jiu jitsu is simultaneously one of the most rewarding yet frustrating things I have ever done. I love grappling so much and try so hard to improve all the time, yet there are some days where I just get so angry at myself because I feel like these past 3 and a half years have amounted to nothing. Those are the times when nothing goes right in training. Last night was one of those nights.

There's such a fine line between being positive and having an objective outlook on things. I have below average athleticism and coordination, which I'm sure many of my friends can attest to. My reflexes are poor, I'm slow to grasp concepts and pick up on things, and I have the body of Ghandi. I don't want to come off like I tell myself these things all the time to justify why I do poorly in training sometimes, but this is what I see when I try to analyze myself objectively.

I haul my ass to the gym all the time and I never make excuses while I'm there, but sometimes I have to question if this whole "if you believe in yourself you can achieve anything" is just positive bullshit that we feed ourselves to get us going.

Are these kinds of thoughts a form of self-limiting behavior? 

Maybe, but I still try my best at the gym. I still show several times a week to take those beatings. On rare occasions I'll have a good training session where I'm able to impose my game and my will, but it seems like a lot of times I'm on the other side of that. When people tell me "great defense," I never take that as a compliment. Barely surviving is not something to be proud of. Still, I thank them for the round of training and move on to the next guy and do my best. Aside from appreciation of the art (or sport, whatever you want to call it), the only thing that keeps me going is this belief that if I keep on training, I will be better. But then I get those nights like last night that make me question that faith. Will I get better?

Every time I train I am humbled, and I have to reach deep within to pick myself back up and tell myself that this is my own journey and that even though other folks are farther along on their journies, if I keep going I'll eventually get there. And then I'll find out there was never any "there" to begin with, and it was the journey that mattered all along and I'll reach some enlightened zen like Buddha state. This is getting too meta.

I need a beer ASAP.

TGIF!