Semi-Charmed Life

Customer Dissatisfaction

Thanks to Ed for sharing this!

An Open Letter from Eugene Mirman to Time Warner Cable

May 19, 2011
May 19, 2011
Eugene Mirman
Brooklyn, NY 10217
Time Warner Inc.
One Time Warner Center
New York, NY 10019

Dear Time Warner Cable,
On April 23rd I moved and had an appointment with Time Warner Cable to come and install cable, Internet and phone service and no one showed up. When I called, I was told my appointment was entered wrong and moved to May 4th, without anyone calling me. No big deal, why would a company check with someone to see if they are home on a Wednesday afternoon? Of course they are. Everyone is. Name one person who isn’t home on a Wednesday afternoon? You can’t. It’s impossible, because everyone is home. It would be a waste of resources to call and talk to him. Did Stalin ever call people before he arrested them and sent them to die in Siberian work camps? No! Why should Time Warner Cable have a policy that is any different from Stalin’s?

Did you know that on Yelp, Time Warner Cable has one and a half stars? That’s less stars than Jeffrey Dahmer — who killed and ate people, maybe even had sex with their skulls (I don’t really know). Obviously what I’m saying is untrue, because Yelp does not review serial killers, but if they did, his babaganoush would be better than yours, if you both made babaganoush, even if his drugged and murdered people. Sorry that got weird. F**k you. I just made you read that confusing thing.
To give you an idea of how much I dislike your company, I have come up with plagues I hope God smites your board of directors with. I know He’ll only do this if you enslave the Jews, but considering you might have a monopoly in NYC, you sort of already have:

1. Awkward. Every board member’s cell phone ring loudly announces their weight and also the day they’ll die.
2. Bathroom. The constant feeling that you have to go number two, but completely forgetting how.
3. Improv. Your first-born will want to be a short form improviser.
4. Popcorn. Your second born will smell like hot buttered popcorn. It’s not that bad at first, but eventually I bet it will be maddening.

Sincerely,
Eugene Mirman and probably everyone of your customers

P.S. On May 4th I called you and got an automated message saying my appointment was moved to May 10th, but spoke to two representatives who assured me it was still on May 4th. Twenty minutes later, I got a call saying the technician called and couldn’t reach me and my new appointment would be on May 12th. An hour later I got a call apologizing and saying my appointment was moved to May 6th. Why does your company act like a controlling, abusive husband on an episode of Law and Order?

P.P.S. On May 6th a very nice, professional man came, rang my doorbell and installed everything. I would feel remiss to not mention that a handful of other employees were also very helpful. However, overall your company is run like an ill managed Soviet factory. I bet if Ayn Rand was still alive, she’d write a fun to read, but poorly argued book about how appalling and inefficient your company is. Please cut it out. Thank you.

Cup of Cage for Monday Morning

Nothing can brighten up a Monday morning like a dose of Nicholas Cage:

Nic Cage as Everyone

A Short Fuse

What pisses you off, but really shouldn't?

- when my earphones snag on something and get tugged out of my ears. i fly into a completely disproportionate rage.

- Slow walkers.

- People who poke computer screens to point something out. Drives me insane.

- Reading outside in the lovely weather,when out of nowhere the wind grabs a page and turn it over. Just want to punch wind in the face.

- People that chew or crunch loudly.

Can't think of much at the moment but here's one: when I'm on my way to work and the train is coming and I realize that my metrocard is out of money and that I should have bought a new one the previous day when I was aware of it.

Restroom Musings

Why don't they make all men's urinals go all the way down to the ground? Sometimes there are urinals placed so high that I feel like I have to tippy toe just to avoid having my junk touch the urinal. What's worse is the splashback that gets on your hands and sometimes your face (the WORST). I don't know about other guys but my piss does not just dribble out. It comes out like a hose. I'm sorry if any ladies had to read this.

And why can't all toilets have a nice moderately strong flush? Some toilets are so strong it feels like I'm going to be disemboweled through my asshole, and other toilets are so weak that when it flushes I'm always thinking I clogged the damn toilet because the water rises ever so slowly.

Yes. TMI.

I hope future job recruiters never find my blog.

Doh!

I'm sure we've all done this at some point in our lives. Or continue to do it.

What are some stupid things you've accidentally blurted out?